fears and getting old

today, i went to subic to take my refresher course for my offshore emergency training. this was just a one day event where we only had to do the practical test. when i did this four years ago, i was pretty excited and couldn't wait to go on and do all those underwater capsize things and fire escape test. it was all so new to me and felt i was invincible.

but not today.

underwater during the capsize helicopter simulation, i panicked. four years ago, i knew exactly where i am inside out of the simulator. today, i was totally lost. it was a series of little things that if i hadn't really kept my head, i would have drowned. first, i had trouble opening my window; second, i couldn't get out of the window until i realized that i didn't unfasten my seatbelt. when i figured it all out - all in split seconds - i was disoriented. i didn't know where was up anymore and had to swim away from the simulator as fast as i can without knowing if i was swimming up or down. all i could think of, "where was the rescue?!"

it was scary and i don't know if i could do it again.

four years ago, i was raving to do it over and over. what's more was that, i had a girl companion who was just as crazy as me. there were only the two of us in the simulator. now that i have more (guy) companions, i was more scared.

i was not alone today though. my swedish classmate (there were only three of us), was also feeling crazed. he was lost.

the same thing happened during the fire escape exercise. i went in the building alone with only my hands and feet guiding me; the second time even blindfolded. it was just a matter of keeping my panic at bay or i would have lost it there too when i couldn't find the lever to open the door. "if this is true life, would i faint here?," that was what i was thinking. when i got out, the only thing i could only say is "i'm really getting old, i'm scared of doing this already!"

but everything turned out very well. i am just so happy to have good instructors and very, very fun and supportive classmates. so to lars and demi, thanks guys. i think i lived up to part of my bargain - i didn't slow us down and were able to go home before 3p! :)